Tribute to....

Seana!!:

so because you wanted me to update and because u wanted a tribute I have decided to do both lol... your update shall be about... school and life.

so I wrote my last exam today!! WOOT.. i have all of tomorrow to do NOTHING.. tee hee hee.. *smiles evilly* idn what i'm gonna do... i originally planned to go to Caesar Martinis's with ppl for Kruti's b-day.. and i really want to go.. but i hear that is a pretty expensive place and i just don't have that kinda of dough... so yeah.. back to exams.. so i had 3 exams that i had to write. math, world history and latin. i think i did pretty good on math.. well thats my standards.. i would be happy with a 65 %.. lets hope i did better than that.. anyways but i finished the whole exam and that is the first time i have ever finished a whole math exam =D ... and world history .. it was ok.. but lets just say that my essay isnt worth crap!.. lol so yeah i hope that she doesnt look to closely at that. latin i hope went well.. i think i passed.. and lets also hope that i didnt fail the grammar part terribly... yup

so as far as life goes i would like to say thank you to Molly and Cassandra who really helped me out this weekend when i was going through a really rough spot. even though it didnt seem like it at the time, you really helped me ... i have been feeling very well for a good # of days ....even though it hasnt been all that many days... it is still really good that i have had like 3 completely good days. so yeah. lets hope it lasts a little longer. lots of hoping in this post. lol... but yeah... i'm good right now.. and that is superb....have i ever told you my theory that everybody should have a psychologist (sp?). yes mam. ok so thats the tribute for seana

SOFIA!!:
this is the tribute for sofia.. who also wanted one. lol... now in this update i will talk about semi and boys.

so semi is like this.. i have my dress and my shoes and my necklace and earings and makeup and well everything.. lol even my hairstyle. lol i'm just waiting for confermation from "FRED" ( past love lol ) to see if he can come... now i know this is all very confusing .. because it was confusing for me too.. so here is the scoop. i invited fred to semi b4 things with george ever started happingin. and i feel to bad to uninvite fred because he really wants to come AND i want him to come too... but we are just friends... actually i'm not inviting him as a date but more as somebody who i can hang out with seeing as cass and nat will both have some male partner. lol.. so yeah.. now george doesnt know all that much about semi other than that i am going to it... he doesnt know that i'm bringing fred.. in fact he doesnt know who fred is.. so i asked my mother what i should do and she daid what george doesnt know wont hurt him. so i am jsut bringing fred to semi... AS FRIENDS... seeing as that is all we are and nothing more. and besides fred knows about george .. and he knows the situation.. so we are all good.

as far as boys go.. i'm currently not involved in an actual relationship. however i do like george and i am pretty darn positive that he likes me back. lol.. things that george and i have done so far are as followed:

went to see a movie and then had food at harveys
he sat beside me in church
we walked a dog together today ( tuesday jan 31)

as you may know i go to george's house every tuesday to have dinner with his family and go to youth.. his family and my family are good friends. anyways.. for details on the posted events see me... not on msn please.. i dont like to type lol. =P

upcoming events where george might/will be:

depression thingy on saturday (?)
church on sunday
youth on tuesday
SNOW CAMP! WOOT!
~ i love snow camp.. i have gone every year since grade 8. this will be year #4 tee hee.. i would like to remind myself now to bring underwear and shower stuff... seeing as these are things i forgot the last 2 years =S ... not in the same years.. but on each year lol.. so yeah

and that my friends just about wraps up my post. if you have any questions .. dont hesitat to contact me in some form.. weatehr it be e-mail or phone or msn .. or seeing me in person!

ok well thats all.. i'm outie! see you all on thursday.. and sofia next friday =D

OH AND BTW SOFIA.. i talked to Hensel today and she said that for you to come on the bus with us on the way back from ROM she would need some kind of written parental pirmission ok?
ok lol
ok well i love you all!
xoxo bye!

vent session 1

ok so yeah second entry today i know but i need to release some words and this is the best way to do it, because i'm too lazy to write it by hand. i have so much on my mind i think i will pop.. it probably the reason as to why i am very idn.. short for everything.. it doesnt take much for me to reach an extreme of any emotion, weather it be happy, angry ... or a deep depression.. but w/e i think its becasue of this ever mounting pile of crap that is sitting in my head.
and so i vent... i warn you.. things may not flow in a logical way....

anyways... why are boys soo stupid!?? why... no really why? i just dont get it...why cant they just be straighforward about how thet feel and make up their minds so the rest of the world can get on with their lives and wont have to be on this state of pause! like GOSH!... OR if a guy likes somebody why cant they just tell them.. so that they can move on.. instead of this .. i like him.. but idn if he likes me stuff.... its an intricate dance and i dont have the patience to learn it! i mean sure the hanging out and stuff is fun while its happening.. but then you go home and its like GOOD LORD what the heck is happening and what does this all mean! and why do i feel as though i have fallen into a trap set out by ppl long ago... and how can it kinda bug me and make me really happy at the same time!... and why do i have this unbearable desire to just be held by a boy... like serisouly my ultimate want is to just be able to lay there with a boy with my head on his chest listening to his hear beat and his arms around me.. and just lay there... in silence... that all i want.. is that honestly soo much to ask!... gah!

another thing .. i hate men... men are stupider than boys if you ask me, becasue they have more experience and still are retards!...seriously ..they act and dont ever think about the shit that they leave behind.. and the lives they will ruin and the problems that those lives will suffer because of what they did... why is this bothering me so much lately.. usually i have always just ignored it...gone on with the fact that my life doesnt include what everybody else around me has...i feel as though its my fault now.. i'm old enough to get what i want.. so whats holding me back.....and the answer to that one is pride.... i dont want to admit that i want it....that not having it is the deepest pain that i feel... and nothing else that happens in my life compairs to the hurt of knowing that i'm not wanted by half of me.

I HATE EXAMS! I HATE SCHOOL!
I HATE ALL THE FREAKING COUPLES IN THE MALL THAT WALK REALLY SLOW AND YOU JUST WANT TO STEP ON THEIR HAND HOLDING AND WALK PAST THEM!
i hate winter.. and i want summer to be here.... i want the sun and i want the freedom ...
i dont have money to do all the things that i want to do...i dont know where i will get it from either... i hate being so poor.... and when i say poor.. i really mean poor...you wouldnt guess it by looking at me... but i am.

i dont want february to come...i dont want velentines day... and at the way things look liek they are going i dont want semi either....
however if there is one week that i dread more than valentines day week... its march break... not lying u guys i will need to be outside of waterloo during that week or idn what i will do.. i will most likely be borderline suicidal at that point and a couple days after it... ok maybe the rest of the month....and rugby will be starting and idn how i'm gonna play rugby in the emotional state that i'm in....sigh... rugby requires mental determination and perservierance.... its hard enough for me to not sleep my life away .... how will i do rugby!....

i'm pretty amazed that i havent been called down to a counsellors office as of yet. that one of my teachers hasnt like started worrying about my often state... or one of my friends hasnt completly freaked out and told somebody..... and i wouldnt blame them if they did... if it was me being told some of the things that i tell ppl.. i would be super worried too...
and i am worried.. for other ppl tho.. i mean i love helping ppl with their problems... even tho i dont consider myself of much help but i am told that i know when to say the right things.. anyways... i love helping honestly.. but it takes a lot out of a person...i worry soo much about some ppl.... i have a love hate relationship with it...i love to help.. but i hate that the person is hurting.. and that all i can offer them are my words.... and i cant take the hurt for them.. if i coudl do that.. i would in an instantand with no hesitation....

grrr.. i dont like working.. or the idea of working.. it gets soo tiring smiling at ppl and pretending that you give a damn that they just bought the most ugliest bright blue and lime green lace thong on sale, which they think is soo pretty and nice... when really in reality it wont even fit up their fat thigh!.. GAH! and then the whole asking if they want a credit card for zellers!.. FOR THE LVOE OF GOD ... THE PPL DONT WANT THE FREAKING CREDIT CARDS THAT HAS LIKE 27% INTEREST AND CAN ONLY BE USED AT HUDSONS BAY COMPANY STORES... AND IF YOU THEY DO GET ONE BECAUSE THEY SHOP THEIR THAT OFTEN AND ARE AVID POINT COLLECTORS.. THEY NEED A LIFE!

ok * inhale... exhale*
i think my mother is getting worried about my eating habits... basically i dont eat....not much anyways... i dont eat breakfast.... and a lot of times my lunch isnt really anyting..especially since ppl just dont go outside for lunch anymore.. and cafe food sucks bum.... then i come home and maybe eat something junk related and small.... and then dinner comes and i just dont want it and i'm not hungry.. so i may drink something but then i go to bed.. and pretty much my biggest mean that day was lunch ... which consists of a bunch of packaged food. but really the only time i feel particularly hungry is b4 lunch... so idn.... i'm not anorexic clearly... i mean look at my thighs... but i just dont want to eat..... or if i do eat.. and then fall into a particularly bad mood.. i honestly feel like throwing up the food i ate.. not becasue i feel sick...but just because i just dont want it anymore.. its a hard feeling to explain... i dont actually throw up.. i probably would if i wasnt soo afraid of puking cause i havent done it in 5 years....and then what if i start and cant stop puking after eating.. then i would be bulimic (sp?) and then i would be in even more trouble than i am now....

you know that i cant cry... i really cant... i wont let myself.. i havent done it in such a long time... the last time that i actually totally and fully emotionally broke down and cried... for something was grade 6....and i cried and i said what was wrong and nobody listened to me and nobody cared... and i ended up getting hurt.. so i started there.. to not cry ...it doesnt do any good... nothing good comes of letting ppl see that something has hurt you.... so now.. something can happen.. and oh my eyes will water some.. but i stop it there.. i think i am making a build up of things to cry over and one day i will explode and wont be able to control myself..solong as i have good arms to hold me in my most likely rocking fetal positioned body i will be ok...i will reboot and start my collection all over agin.. but untill then.. no tears from these eyes. no sir, none...do not pass go and do not collect 200 dollars lol.. isnt it really corney when ppl use that oh man


so i am feeling significantly better now.. yup.. btw.. tomorrow/today as it is 12:37 am (monday january 23rd) is the day that i was scientifically proven to be the most depressing day of this year for any country with cold winters. so if half the school looks depressed.. it was predicted...
anyways i'm off to bed now.. lets see what kinda of day tomorrow has in store for us.....shitty most likely...oh well..
thanx for listening to me rant.. if you made it this far you are a true friend.....if you stopped somewhere above.. go to hell... no i'm joking... ur a very smart person.. cause this probably wasnt worth your time
ok bye!

update: a tribute to Molly

so because i know molly checks my blog a couple times a day and i want to make her happy.... so i'm updating! yeah ,.... so yeah i will make a list things i will talk about.

• 1. semi, which includes:
  • dress
  • shoes
  • hair
  • boy

2. exams

3.general overview of boys

SEMI!

i still need a dress for semi and i am starting to worry.. i need a dress under $50 and i need it soon .. so that hopefully Ardens will still have their 70% off sale happening and then i can buy jewlery for small prices... also for my dress i want something that is green or teal or blue.. with like a sheer black layer over top of it.. something like that.. i saw a dress like it at Winners but i wasnt actually shopping for a dress at that point so i didnt buy it. and i couldnt find it when i went back.. poop.

shoes... as far as shoes go it cannot have heels.. i cannot .. physically cannot dance in heels for 4 hours .. so idn.. i kinda have this wild idea that if i cant find good shoes i will make them! ... its weird i know.. but it sounds soo cool and i want to try lol.. we shall see

as far as my hair goes.. i have no clue.. i guess ill just straighten it.. but i have a field trip with latin at the ROM that day so... its not like i can leave early from school... idn.. i tried to straighten my own hair yesterday night for church today as practice. lol but idn how hair will be for sure.. so yeah

as of so far.. the planned boy attending is going pretty good.. he says that he wants to come and that he will get back to me with a final answer very soon.. so yeah..

EXAMS

ok i'm worried about exams..math especially now becasue i like failed a test i just wrote on friday so yeah .. i dont think i remember how to do anything!.. and then there is history and i wouldnt be so worried about the exam if it was all memorizing facts but it has an essay on it and i suck rayally at essays especially ones on exams because i have no idea what to say and i dont even know what its gonna be on... i feel really lost and unprepaired.. like even if i do study i feel as though ill never be ready .. and then i have to like re learn latin all over again.. like yeah i could guess on multiple choice .. but then you get to the a translation at the end... sigh.... i so screwed for these exams..

General Overview Of Boys:

hmm... so as you all may know i have outwardly expressed/told like everybody of my devout longing for a certain somebody we shall call him Fred for the time being...well as you may know things with fred will most likely never happen .. or at least not for a good 4 years.. yeah... pretty much hopeless i know.. anyways... i'm thinking of perhaps stepping back a little.. idn its hard to explain.....anyways.. there may be a old/new boy... maybe.. we shall call him greoge ( get it fred and george = harry potter lol ) i have known him for a good many years..and there have been many MANY predictions about our eventual marriage lol.. and b4 i used to shoot them down as soon as they were said.. but now.. who knows.... ( see me for full details lol :P )

and thats all for the update... i hope this was good enough molly lol

ok bye!

update: my life during the winter

so i figured that since natalie and cassandra updated today i should probably do so too. and that means i have to hurry b4 it strikes 12 and its nolonger the 16!
so whats new in my life?? well nothing as of yet.. nothing at all.. work is good since i barely work now and school is ok i guess...exams coming up .. i should start studying.. i'm kinda worried about math and really worried about history .. math can be cured with the help of my super nice math teacher and i guess history just has to be studied.. i am relying on cassanandra to help me through the grammar part of that...lol .. i havent asked her yet.. but she will read this and get the hint.. *ME: hint hint.. nudge nudge* *CASSANDRA: ouch .. why are you hitting me* lol yeah.. ok ten minutes to go and thne its the 17.. so i gotta hurry... hmmm SEMI DRESSES SOON U GUYS.. i want a cool one.. ill tell you about it later... but it has to be pretty... oh how i dont want to have to go alone to semi... really it will kill me/ i just wont go so we shall see... and then there is always valentines day adn all the crappy lead up to it to get through... poop.. i had vday.. its the worst day of the year.. THE WORST!... yup it sure is.... OH OH OH.. i want a dog... and not any dog ... i want a portuguese water dog... AKA : PWD.... awww they are soo cute.. except it has to be an all black one.. becasue things that are all black are jsut sexy that way... like my cell phone and my cell phone case and the shelf in my hallway ...... and me lol =P .... so yeah it has to be a black one .. so then it will fit into my family :D lol.... ok so yeah.... if you love me... u will get me one lol..... ok yeah


a list: things that i need

• a laptop
• a PWD
• a plane ticket off of the continent
• a car
• my G1
• superkid ice cream
• more clothes :P
• a semi dress
• shoes for semi that have no heels... i cannot dance for 4 hours in heels.. its not happening
• a food to replace chocolate .. that may be a hard one...

ok thats all and times almost up so i'm gonna go.. ill update sooner hopefully next time .. ok BYE!

hmmm...

ok so because i have to get rid of all the files on my computer and restart the whole thing! i am going through all of the stuff in my file and seeing what can be deleted and what needs to be saved... and i apparently made a "lifes to do list" on one dark and loonely night when i was bored outta my mind.. and i just dont feel like deleting it .. so i'm putting it here!

life’s to do list

- go to England
-go skinny dipping
- hike on the Bruce trail
-a road trip across Europe
-go camping during the summer with no adults
-live in England with an apartment with chalkboard walls
-volunteer at a hospital
-visit an African country
-sponsor a child
-visit Angela in Australia
-get a dog
-do something to make a difference in the lives of others

note to readers: this is a list of things to do before i settle down and have kids... yup... ok bye!

recap

so its saturday and i just thought it was time to update.. even tho nothing has really happened since my last post but w/e ill update anyways.

Thursday: Ummmmi pretty much didnt do anything on thursday.... i babysat my sisters in the morning and vegged in the afternoon. yup.

Firday: OH OH... cassandra came over to "observe my family" lol and yeah we hung out then went to run erands lol AND i bought an mp3 player ! WOOTMAN! oh yeah i decided not to get an ipod because they are stupid and end up breaking within 3 months anyways ... so yeah i jsut made sure to get an mp3 player witha screen and a menu button and i found one.. and it was only 100 dollars and its soo cool it glows red and stuff and yesterday i discovered that i could listen to the radio on it! =D .... i am greatly amused.. and it holds enough music for me on it 160 songs i know that that is kinda a little songs for an mp3 player but if i want it to hold more all i have to do is buy a memory card for it. yup! oh and then i vegged for the rest of the day.... and stayed up till like 7:30 am reading lol =P ... but shh... dont tell my mother!.. so its like 2 o clock and i have been awake for about an hour ... so we shall see what today brings... probably nothing .. ill most likly just sit here ... but .. who knows!

ok bye!

so i think my heart just froze over, and cracked down the center

hmmm... so.. anybody know how u mend a heart? ... i couldnt find any specific instructions in the medical books in my house... and the needle wont go through sometihng thats frozen.... glue will wash away once some ice melts and tape doesnt stick to wet... so i guess that leaves my heart in two........ oops..... it fell off the desk and shattered into about 50 pieces.... ill just scoop it into this ziplock bag, put it in my freezer ... and keep it as a souvenir to remind me of the days when life didnt smell so much like 8 day old ass excrements. yup. those were the good old days ... back when life didnt include boys,school,technology,work,crazy ppl, family stress.... ummm... breathing?... no it hasnt been bad for that long... ok yeah so

toronto yesterday... which might i just say rocked.... yup it was good... we took the train... then ate at shopseys and then shopped... met up with sofia... shopped some more....went to chapters ( while everybody went to see a movie) umm met up with may sister.. hung out with her for a bit... bought a cool hat... ate dinner at milestones... it was orgasmically good.... mmmm..... then.. met back up with the group... and pretty much got on the train home.... yup...

so the holidays have been good... christmas and what not..... rob visited... that was cool... new years was a little more sober than i would have liked it to be but it was still good.... and yeah.then toronto of course...and yeah now... so thats all ....

hmmm... you think frozen heart shards can still beat?... ill check it out....* lookes into ziplock* .. yeah they beat ... very very softly.... its more like a shudder....

so have i ever told you that boys are stupid.
have i ever told you that computers are very stupid.
have i ever told you that life is extremly stupid.
have i ever told you that somehow i deserve it all.

anyways i'm gonna be off.... ill probably go to bed..maybe read some of the book i bought in toronto. perhaps die...ok i wont die.. i cant help that i'm dramatic.. it just comes out.
anyways i'm out... bye

*when life gives you ass smelling lemons... forget the lemonade! shoot life in the head!*