vent session 1

ok so yeah second entry today i know but i need to release some words and this is the best way to do it, because i'm too lazy to write it by hand. i have so much on my mind i think i will pop.. it probably the reason as to why i am very idn.. short for everything.. it doesnt take much for me to reach an extreme of any emotion, weather it be happy, angry ... or a deep depression.. but w/e i think its becasue of this ever mounting pile of crap that is sitting in my head.
and so i vent... i warn you.. things may not flow in a logical way....

anyways... why are boys soo stupid!?? why... no really why? i just dont get it...why cant they just be straighforward about how thet feel and make up their minds so the rest of the world can get on with their lives and wont have to be on this state of pause! like GOSH!... OR if a guy likes somebody why cant they just tell them.. so that they can move on.. instead of this .. i like him.. but idn if he likes me stuff.... its an intricate dance and i dont have the patience to learn it! i mean sure the hanging out and stuff is fun while its happening.. but then you go home and its like GOOD LORD what the heck is happening and what does this all mean! and why do i feel as though i have fallen into a trap set out by ppl long ago... and how can it kinda bug me and make me really happy at the same time!... and why do i have this unbearable desire to just be held by a boy... like serisouly my ultimate want is to just be able to lay there with a boy with my head on his chest listening to his hear beat and his arms around me.. and just lay there... in silence... that all i want.. is that honestly soo much to ask!... gah!

another thing .. i hate men... men are stupider than boys if you ask me, becasue they have more experience and still are retards!...seriously ..they act and dont ever think about the shit that they leave behind.. and the lives they will ruin and the problems that those lives will suffer because of what they did... why is this bothering me so much lately.. usually i have always just ignored it...gone on with the fact that my life doesnt include what everybody else around me has...i feel as though its my fault now.. i'm old enough to get what i want.. so whats holding me back.....and the answer to that one is pride.... i dont want to admit that i want it....that not having it is the deepest pain that i feel... and nothing else that happens in my life compairs to the hurt of knowing that i'm not wanted by half of me.

I HATE EXAMS! I HATE SCHOOL!
I HATE ALL THE FREAKING COUPLES IN THE MALL THAT WALK REALLY SLOW AND YOU JUST WANT TO STEP ON THEIR HAND HOLDING AND WALK PAST THEM!
i hate winter.. and i want summer to be here.... i want the sun and i want the freedom ...
i dont have money to do all the things that i want to do...i dont know where i will get it from either... i hate being so poor.... and when i say poor.. i really mean poor...you wouldnt guess it by looking at me... but i am.

i dont want february to come...i dont want velentines day... and at the way things look liek they are going i dont want semi either....
however if there is one week that i dread more than valentines day week... its march break... not lying u guys i will need to be outside of waterloo during that week or idn what i will do.. i will most likely be borderline suicidal at that point and a couple days after it... ok maybe the rest of the month....and rugby will be starting and idn how i'm gonna play rugby in the emotional state that i'm in....sigh... rugby requires mental determination and perservierance.... its hard enough for me to not sleep my life away .... how will i do rugby!....

i'm pretty amazed that i havent been called down to a counsellors office as of yet. that one of my teachers hasnt like started worrying about my often state... or one of my friends hasnt completly freaked out and told somebody..... and i wouldnt blame them if they did... if it was me being told some of the things that i tell ppl.. i would be super worried too...
and i am worried.. for other ppl tho.. i mean i love helping ppl with their problems... even tho i dont consider myself of much help but i am told that i know when to say the right things.. anyways... i love helping honestly.. but it takes a lot out of a person...i worry soo much about some ppl.... i have a love hate relationship with it...i love to help.. but i hate that the person is hurting.. and that all i can offer them are my words.... and i cant take the hurt for them.. if i coudl do that.. i would in an instantand with no hesitation....

grrr.. i dont like working.. or the idea of working.. it gets soo tiring smiling at ppl and pretending that you give a damn that they just bought the most ugliest bright blue and lime green lace thong on sale, which they think is soo pretty and nice... when really in reality it wont even fit up their fat thigh!.. GAH! and then the whole asking if they want a credit card for zellers!.. FOR THE LVOE OF GOD ... THE PPL DONT WANT THE FREAKING CREDIT CARDS THAT HAS LIKE 27% INTEREST AND CAN ONLY BE USED AT HUDSONS BAY COMPANY STORES... AND IF YOU THEY DO GET ONE BECAUSE THEY SHOP THEIR THAT OFTEN AND ARE AVID POINT COLLECTORS.. THEY NEED A LIFE!

ok * inhale... exhale*
i think my mother is getting worried about my eating habits... basically i dont eat....not much anyways... i dont eat breakfast.... and a lot of times my lunch isnt really anyting..especially since ppl just dont go outside for lunch anymore.. and cafe food sucks bum.... then i come home and maybe eat something junk related and small.... and then dinner comes and i just dont want it and i'm not hungry.. so i may drink something but then i go to bed.. and pretty much my biggest mean that day was lunch ... which consists of a bunch of packaged food. but really the only time i feel particularly hungry is b4 lunch... so idn.... i'm not anorexic clearly... i mean look at my thighs... but i just dont want to eat..... or if i do eat.. and then fall into a particularly bad mood.. i honestly feel like throwing up the food i ate.. not becasue i feel sick...but just because i just dont want it anymore.. its a hard feeling to explain... i dont actually throw up.. i probably would if i wasnt soo afraid of puking cause i havent done it in 5 years....and then what if i start and cant stop puking after eating.. then i would be bulimic (sp?) and then i would be in even more trouble than i am now....

you know that i cant cry... i really cant... i wont let myself.. i havent done it in such a long time... the last time that i actually totally and fully emotionally broke down and cried... for something was grade 6....and i cried and i said what was wrong and nobody listened to me and nobody cared... and i ended up getting hurt.. so i started there.. to not cry ...it doesnt do any good... nothing good comes of letting ppl see that something has hurt you.... so now.. something can happen.. and oh my eyes will water some.. but i stop it there.. i think i am making a build up of things to cry over and one day i will explode and wont be able to control myself..solong as i have good arms to hold me in my most likely rocking fetal positioned body i will be ok...i will reboot and start my collection all over agin.. but untill then.. no tears from these eyes. no sir, none...do not pass go and do not collect 200 dollars lol.. isnt it really corney when ppl use that oh man


so i am feeling significantly better now.. yup.. btw.. tomorrow/today as it is 12:37 am (monday january 23rd) is the day that i was scientifically proven to be the most depressing day of this year for any country with cold winters. so if half the school looks depressed.. it was predicted...
anyways i'm off to bed now.. lets see what kinda of day tomorrow has in store for us.....shitty most likely...oh well..
thanx for listening to me rant.. if you made it this far you are a true friend.....if you stopped somewhere above.. go to hell... no i'm joking... ur a very smart person.. cause this probably wasnt worth your time
ok bye!